Dealing with Difficult People
Philippians 2:1-4
Some people are and will remain difficult, regardless of the level of your interpersonal skills. Their approach to life and to others is their responsibility and their choice and is not within your control. Nevertheless you do have a choice about your response to them, sometimes you can even choose the extent or nature of your contact with others, and if they are in constant proximity you can also develop a coping strategy.
Some behaviours go beyond the "difficult person" label and are better characterised as workplace bullying or harassment. These behaviours are typically an abrogation of responsibility to others and should be addressed accordingly through the standard chain of command verses you handling it on your own. Under no conditions should you accept verbal harassment, especially those that reflect words that are degrading or outside of your personal standards as a Christian.
The following are some of the tools that you might use in dealing with difficult people:
Assertiveness
Some difficult people will determine how much they can get away with, so it may be important to draw boundaries on unacceptable behaviour. Setting boundaries can also protect you. For example, you may choose not to discuss your private life at work. When you say "no thanks" be consistent and mean it.
Work or task related boundaries may be more difficult to set. Seek advice from an Industrial Officer prior to taking this step to ensure that you are not breaching your employment contract.
You can also attempt to diffuse a difficult relationship by raising the issue of these difficulties with that person, in a constructive and non-accusatory manner. This could vary from "I think we could work more effectively together" to ""I think I could work more effectively for you if I more clearly understood..."
If the other person is a work colleague and the conflict could interrupt work efficiency your supervisor may become involved. It is always better if you have made an effort to discuss and resolve things first. Do not go to a supervisor before raising the issue with the other party as you risk losing their trust.
People can also be influenced by the response they receive. For example, a social worker dealing with unruly teenagers has learnt how to use voice so as to sound authoritative to gain control.
Choosing your reactions
Do you give yourself time to choose your reactions? Consider your standard response when feeling challenged. Is it working? Is it the way you want to be? Would you like to say or do something different?
If you are able to recognise that you are reacting to someone, then you can train yourself to create thinking time. For example, a meaningless sentence like "Now let me consider this" or a simple silence whilst you count to ten, gives you some thinking space. Thinking time will aid a more considered response.
You can also choose to change your responses to regular types of interaction that leave you dissatisfied. For example, if you feel denigrated by a particular statement and how you always react to it, you can rehearse your preferred response for when that type of statement comes again.
Diffusing Angst
Difficult people can be angry people and we can get angry in response. But experience teaches us that permanent damage to any relationship can be done through anger.
To deal with others professionally, anger is inappropriate. When confronted by anger, the alternatives are not simply fight or flight. Here are some other alternative responses to anger:
- Letting the individual get it off their chest by letting them know you have heard their point and their frustration. The majority of people calm down when they feel understood. You can then build on the strength of mutual understanding to ensure that they understand you too.
- A tirade to achieve a particular outcome can be diverted and the issue reapproached and reopened for discussion from another perspective. Diversions can include distractions, breaks and so on.
- Naming the behaviour eg you appear annoyed right now…
- Humour. You have to be confident and get the timing right, but humour dissolves anger. Humour can also build a sense of camaraderie and good will. Once you have succeed with this a few times it becomes easier. The use of humour can vary from looking at the funny or extreme possibilities of the situation which causes the anger or even making fun of the anger itself such as "Well the dummy really flew over that one". The latter approach is really only to be used with people you know can laugh at themselves, otherwise it can backfire.
Understanding
Understanding of yourself and others empowers you, as you regain perspective on a difficult relationship.
Becoming more aware of the fears and frailties of a difficult person may give you a new insight, aid you in your dealings with them and restore your confidence. For example, a person who is afraid of change may actually be in need of retraining or a person who barks instructions may have poor self-esteem and few communication skills. You are less likely to view their behaviours as a personal affront once you have understood their motivation.
Different personalities can also lead to misunderstandings and tension unless we learn to appreciate and respect each other. Some large organisations encourage staff to participate in shared personality profiles so that they learn about their own personality types and those of the other members of their team. This assists staff to become more understanding of each others needs and the strengths that they can contribute.
Understanding the way others operate can also give you some clues on how to work with them. For example, if someone else is impatient with discussion and you embrace discussion as a way of seeking approval, the potential for some unsatisfactory exchanges is created. Once you understand this, you have some options available. For example, you might plan short targeted sessions with them, where the topic and information is provided in advance. Some of the session might be on operational matters, but you might also schedule some on performance or career feedback. Where possible, it is best to have an informed choice about your responses and future interactions.
A greater understanding of others may also make you more aware of and able to diffuse social or cultural differences.
A final note - take heart. No one ever gets relationships right all the time. As long as you don't lose your cool, relationships are ongoing and understanding and improved communication requires ongoing work.
